Family Is Not My Why

There is no doubt that I was bringing my family down. That my schedule as a physician with a very active nursing home population caused all sorts of stress on our life. But it would be a mistake to say that they were the reason that I am pursuing this financial independence lifestyle. I know this is controversial, but I am going to come right out and say it. Family is not my why. Although I love spending time with my wife and kids, this was never the impetus for my half retirement.

I know. I know. First I proclaim that traveling is not my why. Now I am saying the same thing about family. What kind of horrible person am I?

Let me explain my reasons, and then I guess you can decide for yourself.

It Was Never Either Or

As a physician, I had one of the busiest professional lifestyles possible. At times in my career I have taken care of over two thousand patients. I have visited them in their homes, in my office, at the hospital, and in rehab facilities.

This type of work is quite time consuming.

Yet even during the worst of my professional obligations, I was always able to be present for my wife and kids. maybe I had to get up super early in the morning so I could be home by the time school was out. Or I had to stay up late after they were asleep. Mostly I kept my mobile phone handy, and both worked and played at the same time.

It was not perfect. Some days were worse than others. But I hope that I didn’t have to realize financial independence to be a good husband and father.

I think you can do that in even the most demanding jobs if you put your mind to it. If I ever thought that work was getting in the way of being a good family member, I would have changed to a less stressful position long ago.

Family is not my why. Not for pursuing financial freedom at least.

You Can’t Live For Other People

Again, call me what you will, but I think each person needs to develop their own purpose and identity. And I find it hard to believe the end product can be someone else. We innately strive towards something. Whether it is science or art, creation or destruction, music or baking. There always is something out there, besides other people, that makes our hearts sing.

In fact, having passion and goals makes you a more involved and better family member. You feel a better sense of self and confidence. This confidence improves your ability to love and appreciate those around you.

Family is not my why. If it was, what would I have to offer besides an empty shell? There would be no substance.

Letting Go

Part of being a loving adult is giving your spouse and children the space and freedom to grow. It’s letting go. You can’t demand all their free time nor expect all their passion. Relationships evolve.

When my kids were very young, all they wanted to do was be with me. Now they are teenagers (at least one of them is). We may be sitting in the same house, but we are far from hanging out with each other. They have their friends, and hobbies, and rooms to retreat to. And this is part of the individuation process that is necessary for growth.

Family is not my why because as my kids grow older, they have better things to do.

The same can be said for my wife. Even in the midst of two busy careers, we still had time to exercise and lounge together. Most weekends we never left each others sides.

Now that I have reached my half retirement, it would be unfair to ask for more of her time. She has work, and friends, and other activities that help her pursue her own purpose and identity.

Final Thoughts

I hate to admit it, but family is not my why for financial independence. I love my family and value each moment spent with them. But to be a contributing part of the whole, I also need to develop my own interests and projects. Furthermore, I have to give them the freedom to pursue whatever makes their hearts sing without being encumbered by me.

I think it is better this way.