Impostor Syndrome

Walking down the hall at FinCon, I nodded to a group of people sitting on a row of couches on my way to one of the conference rooms. As a a grouping of three simultaneously nodded back in unison, I was transported back to a moment decades earlier during my sophomore year of college. A moment of supreme impostor syndrome. It is still fresh in my mind even today. As the sounds and smells of the University of Michigan Student Union rush back into my consciousness, I marvel at how far I have come.

And how little progress I have made.

The Big U

The University of Michigan was everything that I was not. A brainy, awkward teenager, I was sprinting towards my twenties with none of the verve nor audacity of my peers. For one, I had no interest in football. Living in the athletically inclined South Quad Dorm, the hulking sports stars were worshiped on and off the public streets. My hallmates twittered excitedly when the award winning running back passed by. Or they moved out of the way gladly when one lineman or another crowded through the tiny passageways.

All the young men wanted to be them, and all the young women wanted to date them.

Speaking of young women, I found myself in a pretty typical Doc G situation. I had become best friends with the two most sought after women in the building. This was my MO. With none of the charm, swag, or looks to date such attractive women, I became adept at befriending just about everyone.

And the football players noticed.

Respect Given

One of them decided that I was romantically involved with both women. I have no idea why. The rumors spread quietly throughout the close group of hulking football and basketball players. Being the kings of the dorm, they weren’t used to having someone else push in on their perceived territory.

Which was laughable, of course. I did indeed have a puppy dog crush on one of the women, but she was much more interested in being worshiped than actually getting involved. The other was just a really good friend.

But to the outside world, us three were thick as thieves.

The Moment

It was really nothing. Just a singular moment in time. I was walking by myself through the student union, minding my own business. When I suddenly looked up and found myself staring across the hallway at a table of football players. Three to be exact. They were the best known and respected in the dorm. Students walked back and forth staring and pointing at them as they ate. They were celebrities in our little world.

As my eyes locked simultaneously with the three of them, something funny happened. All three bowed their head at the same time. A simple gesture. A shrug. A nod of respect denoting not only acknowledgement but acceptance.

And I nodded back. Confidently. A strange shared moment never to be recreated again.

I was an impostor. An impersonator in a world that I really didn’t belong in.

Fast Forward

That moment came back to me suddenly while passing groups of FinCon attendees seated or standing on the outskirts of the hallway as I negotiated my way to the next talk.

I could suddenly feel the hackles of my impostor syndrome coming back up to the surface. Even though I was no longer the awkward college student navigating the end of adolescent angst.

Even though I later found out one of the girls had a crush on me and was hoping that I would one day ask her out.

Even though I belong here. And coincidentally, I belonged there too.

My impostor syndrome just wouldn’t allow me to appreciate it.