Fear Of

Things are pretty great. Really. I find that working less and pursuing joy in my professional and personal life is far more gratifying than grinding away at a 9 to 5 which causes more stress than happiness. But, it would be insincere to say that everything is perfect. In fact, I still have some stress. I still have a fear of the unknown.

Maybe, I shouldn’t say unknown. Even in financial independence, there is a drive to create deeper meaning and purpose in daily existence. My worries about the future are much more granular and well defined than the previous paragraph suggests.

I know exactly what I am afraid of.

FOMO

I have a fear of missing out. I know. How embarrassing! Yet, true none the less. There are definitely times when I see the world moving forward and feel that I am not. This manifests itself in some interesting ways.

Business. Although I don’t need the money, I still get envious and jealous when I hear about all the unique businesses, side hustles, and real estate ventures that people are getting into. Not just a passing interest, but true envy. I want to be a mover and shaker just like them.

Creation. So many great new books are being written by my peers. New blogs being written. Podcasts that are changing the world. I fear that I am being left behind.

Travel. Geoarbitrage. I don’t have the time nor inclination to travel too extensively. Yet that doesn’t stop me from looking longingly at everyone else’s adventures. I know I don’t want to do these things, and yet I feel the urge none the less.

Relevance

No matter how happy I am that I am no longer working full time, being a physician gave me a sense of importance. As I leave that identity behind, I have a fear of being irrelevant. I had a prepackaged sense of identity and purpose wrapped into my career. Although the career didn’t always feel good, the sense of responsibility and meaning did.

Now don’t get me wrong. Being a father, spouse, and son carries its own sense of joy. Yet, I have to admit that I always longed for more. Some reason outside the neat bundle of filial relationships.

When you reach a certain age, you start to realize that you no longer expect to change the planet in the big and wordly ways you thought you would in your youth. There is, however, a wish that your goodness will somehow create a ripple that will travel a little farther than your small enclosed area of the pond.

Financial independence does not create relevance. It just doesn’t.

Failure

And I have a fear of failure. Still. After all the successes I can count in my life. After reaching financial independence. After becoming a spouse and a father. After graduating medical school and residency. After building several successful business.

I have come to accept that I only feel as good as my last success. And put in a more depressing way, I am one failure away from being miserable. No matter how much I laud failing as a learning tool. That doesn’t necessarily mean it feels good.

Final Thoughts

Financial independence and half retirement are as good as I was hoping them to be. Yet I still have a fear of not being more. FOMO. Worries about relevance. And a stubborn and persistent anxiety about failure remain.

They certainly don’t stop me from living my life.

But I would be dishonest if I denied their presence.