Stress Dreams

I have always had stress dreams. As long as I can remember. Usually the nature of the dream has been constant. Even though life has evolved and I have grown older. Deep down inside, in the magical world of dreams, I am still a child. My fear and concerns haven’t progressed although my life circumstances have changed drastically over the decades. Until recently.

One might wonder why after reaching financial independence and moving into a half retirement that I still wake up in a cold sweat. Financial freedom is wonderful, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t fears and concerns.

I had a stress dream last night and it broke the mold. It was different from anything I had ever experienced before.

The Past is Prologue?

My stress dreams up until recently have all been the same. I have had them since high school, and they have remained well into my professional life. I always wake up sweating with my heart racing. And then I take a deep breath and sigh. Thank God!

I am running down the hall of my high school or through the quad at college. It is my last final of the year, and I am late. I can see the clock ticking on my watch, yet feel that I am moving to slow. I look around confused. I no longer recognize the path or hallways. I am lost. I quickly reorient and start moving towards the classroom, but then realize that I forgot to study.

I forgot to show up to class all year. Not only am I running in late, but I am totally unprepared. All is lost. I am going to fail. I will never get into medical school!

Ugh.

Last Night

Last night was different. It was unlike any other of my stress dreams. My dream script changed. I was no longer a kid, but an adult. I wasn’t racing off to school. There were no tests to take. Instead I was about to start a new job.

I was leaving medicine and ready to transition to corporate America. I had quit my cushy hospice position, and was excited to tackle a new challenge.

And then everything changed. A mournful feeling sprung up into my chest like an explosion. I was leaving my hospice job. Leaving this beautiful life I crafted for myself full of work with meaning, free time, passion projects, and joy.

It was a mistake. Why did I want to enter corporate America? Why was I spurning my freedom for a silly 9 to 5. Why was I leaving my dream position?

The feeling was no longer stress. It was profound, deep, sorrow. I woke up not with a racing chest but a full heart.

Thank God it was just a dream.

Final Thoughts

I question myself all the time about this path I have taken. I have left traditional medicine and embraced a financially independent lifestyle. I now work not for a paycheck but for passion. I have certainly departed from the typical accumulation phase script.

Have I made the right decision? Maybe my stress dreams are starting to tell me so. After a life time of dreaming about not being enough, I now have started to wrestle through the fear of losing the wonderful path that I have chosen.

Maybe that is how I know I have arrived at the right place.