Confronting Inner Demons

I used to think financial independence was solely about strength. It is the strong move to make to take control of resources and free oneself from the burden of the indentured servitude of the 9 to 5 workday. How else to build a life forged in meaning and purpose? This makes sense. Especially before reaching the mountaintop. It is only now, with both physical and emotional energy to breath, that I realize it is also about weakness. Weaknesses. No matter how much wealth we have accumulated, the path to happiness lies with confronting inner demons.

I have never had the bandwidth to pursue such an expansive undertaking until now. Free from the mire of artificial busyness, I am finally present enough to evaluate this journey, and forge where the path leads next.

It Was Never About Money

It was never about money. Although it often felt like it was. The once I have syndrome was in full swing.

Once I have:

Money to max my pension.

Resources to build an emergency fund

25X my income saved up in investments

etc, etc, etc.

The list was long but the goal was always the same. More and more money. But the cruel trick of financial independence is that you are the same person after reaching it as you were before. And riches alone never really made anyone happy.

It was never about money. It was about confronting inner demons. But who would have known that?

Money As An Excuse

On the path to financial freedom, money becomes and excuse. An excuse to ignore all the real hurdles in your life that are keeping you from contentedness and inner peace (not a big fan of the word happiness, but you get the idea).

It is much easier to confront the lack of funds in the bank account than the unsteadiness of the goals and dreams that swish around inside of you. FU money becomes a focus. Or a certain safe withdrawal rate. Accumulation migrates from a process to a goal.

And meanwhile regrets stay the same. Lack of confidence, or depression, or a inability to effectively communicate and act on your needs remain. The true drivers to fulfillment are almost never made better by your asset allocation.

It is only with confronting inner demons that the true power of personal financial responsibility comes to play.

Endings and Beginnings

Reaching financial independence and starting my half retirement were an ending of a sort. They were dotting the last i’s and crossing the last t’s of my childhood fantasy of a career. They were letting go of the ties that bound me to an unhealthy way of pursuing meaning and identity. A way that was so ingrained into my being that it took years to extract myself.

Yet, it also is a new beginning. Because instantaneous happiness was no more forthcoming than it had been a few days before I left. To find peace, I still had the big job of confronting my inner demons ahead of me.

The Achievement Treadmill

For me, it is clearly the achievement treadmill. Growing up with a learning disability and losing my dad at the age of eight have left me with hole that I have repeatedly filled with accomplishments. Maybe if I just achieve more it will make me feel more worthy. Worthy of a father’s love.

But it won’t. A life’s worth of achievements haven’t solved any of my issues nor has financial independence.

Now I spend my time soothing the flames of accomplishment. Trying to exist in a world where I fill my time with activities that have a less defined end in mind, and search for joy in the moment.

I am trying to let go of public acknowledgement and external rewards.

That doesn’t mean that I am not pursuing new projects or creating new things.

I am just confronting my inner demons. On the sideline. Quietly.

Something I probably would never have had the energy to do if not for financial independence.