I’m Allergic to Success

Allergic to Success

I have a friend.  Let’s call him Stan.  Stan is deathly allergic to shellfish.  OK, not deathly allergic, but every time he eats lobster his face blows up, his lips appear bee stung, and his brow turns bright red.  But he loves this delicious treat.  So, once in a while, he convinces himself that he has overcome his allergy, and dives in bibbed and double fisted.  And like clockwork, the reaction returns.  He swears each time he will never try it again.  Yet he does.  Over and over.  He cannot deny his allergy, but that doesn’t  stop him.  In the same way, I feel allergic to success.

Now I can hear you, fair reader, as I type these words.

Doc G, you write about your high net worth, and your side hustles, and you burgeoning real estate empire.  How could you be allergic to success?  You sound pretty prosperous to me..

Of course, you’re right.  I may not be literally allergic to success, but  It never quite feels right.

Success Fits Poorly

My whole life, I have been insanely driven.  I grew up with a learning disability and struggled to read.  I lost my father at a young age.  These early childhood traumas had a dramatic affect on my sense of self.  It made me think that I was sub par, not good enough, lacking.

I became aware of these feelings at a very young age, and struggled through them in college.  I came out of this haze stronger and more confident.  Neither a hindrance nor an obstacle, my feelings of insecurity had driven me to work even harder.  I strove to surpass all the hurdles set in front of me.

It’s hard for me to now admit it, but I am a success.  Those old feelings keep coming up even though I blew through my learning disability and became a doctor. Then  I married and had children.  I have built businesses and wealth.

Yet like a pair of pants that is a few sizes to big, no matter how hard I try to hold the waistline up, it just keeps drooping.

 

 

Success Doesn’t Sit Well

Would you laugh if I told you that pondering my own success makes me itchy and uncomfortable?  I really am allergic to success. The only relief I get is to concentrate on all I still have to accomplish.  Although this kind of thinking sounds self defeating, it is quite motivating.

My net worth may be in the seven figures, but it should be in the eight!

I have a successful business, but look at all those guys doing it online with much less stress!

I wish I could be like those gals whose blogs are ultra successful and keep getting invited onto podcasts!

There is even envy for those whose accomplishments are far less rigorous than mine.  I may run a million dollar business, but I get downright impressed by someone who makes a thousand dollars a month on Etsy.

I think I’m much more at home with the idea of failure.  Like a warm winter coat, there is always the dream of spring.  This dream is one of the reasons that financial independence has brought about an internal struggle.  If I retire now, I have to look the demon of success in the face and sit with it for awhile.

What Is a Guy to Do?

I bet there are many of you out there who have an allergy like me.  We are driven folks, and success is a momentary way station, a stepping stone.  We are always pushing forward to the next achievement.  The next goal.

In an attempt to reclaim sanity, I have started to slow down and review my accomplishments.  I give myself more credit, and let the hive-inducing feelings of success wash over me unencumbered.

After all, I overcame the learning the disability.  And my father’s death was in no way my fault.

I can be proud of who I am.

How about you?  Does success fit comfortably?  If not, why?